First and foremost I want to acknowledge my privilege as a cisgender, heterosexual male, who is of Arab descent. The points I want to make may apply, regardless of that. But I may also be wrong, because there always seems to be some kind of personal bias that I overlook.
I have a two and a half year old toddler, Firas Soren Zulfikar EL-Mokadem, who has tremendous amounts of energy. I also spend a lot of time being physical with him, it’s been like that since he was born. I hold him, kiss him, hug him, snuggle with him, and it’s the best thing ever.
We have been “wrestling” since he was able to crawl. In the beginning it consisted of things like holding him, dancing with him, and flying him around like a plane. I would gently swing him from side to side, or up and down. I would lay on my back and press him up and down with my hands. And I would pretty much hold him close whenever I could.
When he started walking, I would hug him then run and hide, he would chase me and hug me back. We would do that back and forth until he wanted to move on to something else. I would pick him up high, then place him down gently on the bed while saying “Body Slam!” He giggled. Then I would give his belly some raspberries, and he would just crack up.
Now that he can run, jump, and has much more motor control, our playtime is a little more physical. He grabs onto my legs and asks me to lay down and he climbs on top of me. He asks me “baba you wanna do body slam?” So I would pick him up high and then gently place him on the bed. And that’s a “body slam”, he loves it.
Once we’re on the bed, we roll around, I tickle him. He climbs and jumps on me, and hugs me tight. Most of the time he stomps soft bits…and I just have to take it. All in all, it’s the best thing ever
More Than Just Physical Activity
The most obvious benefit of this is that it keeps him entertained, and it helps him burn through his energy. The Canadian Society of Exercise Physiologists children age 1-4 yrs need to accumulate AT LEAST 180 minutes of physical activity daily. You can find the complete guidelines here https://csep.ca/CMFiles/Guidelines/CSEP_PAGuidelines_0-65plus_en.pdf
Furthermore, there are is something very important that “wrestling” helps to establish, especially for boys. The nurse instructor for a prenatal parenting course that I did said “dads can help manage aggression in young boys”. And I can say that without a doubt that wrestling with my son has helped with that.
Specifically, being physical in this way nurtures a connection that we will have for the rest of our lives. My life for sure anyway. Through it I learn what he likes and does not like. I get to hear him laugh and giggle, and I can actually feel his strength, speed, and endurance develop over time. And while I help him develop those things, I also understand him in a way that I otherwise would not.
On top of all of that, and probably most importantly, we both learn about boundaries. He learns to find and use his voice effectively, and teaches me where his boundaries are. Some of the first we taught him are “No” and “Stop”.
The Power of Words
Since I first started wrestling with him, I got into the habit of asking him if he wants to stop. I would tickle him lightly and then ask “Stop?” or “More?” and he would reply with either “Stop” or “No” or “More”. And that’s how I knew it was ok to continue or not.
Sometimes he would say “Stop” and then two seconds later come back for more. I learned to read that, most of the time he wanted more, but he was practicing. He was practicing setting boundaries, and testing to see how I would react to him saying “no” and “stop”. He needed to understand and trust that he was in control of physical play, when it is with someone with more power.
I truly believe, based on what we know about physical boundaries, assault, and violence, that it is the responsibility of the powerful to check themselves. In this way, he learns that if someone says “no” and “stop” then it means stop. No ifs, ands or buts. Not take it down a notch. Not keep pushing until there is “yes”. ” Stop” means full stop.
So I think that is probably the most important part of wrestling with your kids. To teach them about boundaries, train them to understand the power and meaning of “No”. By setting an example I hope that my son learns that it’s wrong to put anymore pressure after someone says “No”. By modelling “safe play” it means that the onus is on the person who is in a position of power to respect the other person’s boundaries. And at the same time to learn that it is ok to set boundaries, even with his baba.
I can’t speak to this from any other perspective than my own. Though I will say that some women have told me they loved to wrestle their dad when they were little. And I would argue that it is just as, if not more, important for girls to practice the power or the words “No” and “Stop” by wrestling with either mom or dad. Because we know how patriarchy teaches women to be complacent, and that is definitely not a good thing.