How often do we hear people saying some over the top thing they would do to prove their love or commitment or whatever, towards someone else? I’ve heard people say things like “I would die for you”, “I would jump in front of a car for you”, “I would take a bullet…”, “I would fight anyone…”, “I would do whatever it takes…”. All this said in an effort to show the extremes that someone would go to show how much they care. But do they…?
I’m not doubting that people who say these things actually do care, but why do they try to invoke such extreme images like sacrificing their own existence? And to what extent are these hyperboles just narcissistic and manipulative statements to gain people’s trust on the one hand, and a way to soothe one’s own sense of grandiosity on the other?
I’m at a point in my life where I think and feel that people employ these hyperboles as a deflection to being challenged on their commitment to a relationship. In other words it’s a copout, to avoid the responsibility of doing the work to nurture and maintain a relationship. And insofar as that goes, I think there’s very important distinction to be made between caring about a person and caring about the relationship with that person.
First of all let me just explain that by “hyperbole” I’m referring to the use of exaggeration as a figure of speech. In this case one person may be trying to convey to another how much they care for them, or to what extent they would theoretically go to show that they care for them. From my own personal experience, this kind of rhetorical move is employed when there is some kind of doubt, or a challenge or scenario where a person’s actions are called into question. For example, one person may ask another “How much do you love me?” and the other responds with “I would die for you”. Or another example someone might say “I would kill anyone who harms my child” (I’ve said this myself).
Now, rather than question the person about whether or not they would REALLY go to such extremes I wonder more about the PROBABILITY of those situations or scenarios happening. That is, how likely is it that I would find myself in a situation where someone has harmed my child to the point that I lose control of all my rational faculties and react, or plan out a retaliation that ends in the annihilation of someone else? Or, how likely is it that a person would find themselves in a scenario where one person would sacrifice themselves to protect someone they love?
I’m not at all doubting that those situations and scenarios don’t arise, I know they do, the news is filled with those kinds of stories. That being said, if we look at the frequency or likelihood of those things happening on a global scale or throughout human history then it may not be as often as we might think. But that’s kind of the point right? Is that they don’t happen often, but when they do happen they are surrounded by unusual circumstances.
And sure, maybe some scenarios are more likely to happen than others. But that’s all they are: general scenarios. There aren’t any details about the circumstances or context. There’s also the issue of proximity, so that a friend living hundreds or thousands of miles away saying “I’d take a bullet for you!” can say that all they want, but the likelihood of it happening is slim to none. As such, all things being equal, and we aren’t in constant danger from everything, anyone can throw out any of these hyperboles and confident that circumstances will never come to that. After all, they’re called hyperboles for that reason.
Ok so now let’s look at context. If the case is that the likelihood of these hyperboles happen is very low, and they are brought up when one person’s commitment to a relationship is questioned or challenged, it seems to me that it becomes just a copout to excuse the lack of effort that someone puts into cultivating a relationship.
To use another example that may be familiar to many of us, say I have a family relative or friend with whom I have a pretty good relationship. We hang and talk from time to time, despite being busy with work, family etc. And then over time I begin to notice a lack of reciprocity on their end. They don’t call, text, or plan hangouts. After some weeks or months I may begin to feel like something is wrong. I then bring it up in order to understand if something happened and they respond that they’ve just been busy and overwhelmed and assure me that they love hanging out and they will do better. Things get sorted out and everybody’s good.
But let’s say it happens again and again, to the point that I begin to notice a pattern that I begin to feel that the person is not really interested in prioritizing time and effort for the relationship. I may bring receipts, talk about the number of times it’s happened, them saying they would try and do better only to have it happen again. And at that point that person may throw out a hyperbole about how much they care about me. But this is where things get even more murky. It’s one thing to care about a person, it’s another to care about the RELATIONSHIP with that person.
I may not be able to quantify or qualify the level of care someone has towards me, in the sense that I have no access to their thoughts and feelings beyond what they share with me. But I can more accurately judge the level of commitment or care they show towards our relationship. And I can do this in a number of different ways: communicating through texting or calling, planning dates and activities, hangout, for some people it could be gifts, you get the point. All of these things, to me, seem to be worthwhile opportunities to nurture the relationship, as well as each other.
In a sense, as I think more about it, the hyperbole of care becomes not only a copout from the responsibility to do the work, and an appeasement of grandiosity, but also what we refer to in philosophy as the straw man fallacy. Loosely speaking, a straw man fallacy happens when I present an argument to someone, and rather than responding to the points of my argument, they set up a different argument similar to the original (but isn’t) and then knock it down with their own. All the while never addressing my argument, the person tries to convince me and themselves that they did.
To reiterate once more, in the case of these hyperboles of caring, I’m not necessarily questioning how much the person cares for me, but rather how much they care about having a relationship with me. And if their response is something like “I would take a bullet for you!” then I know that they are looking for a way out.
But I’m not asking anyone to take a bullet, or jump in front of a car, or fight a horde of monsters. I’m asking you to speak up about the genocide in Palestine. I’m asking, as are hundreds of thousands of Palestinians and millions of people, to say something on social media. Post something. Let me know you care about our relationship, and let the world know that you care about your relationship to humanity…yours as well as the Palestinians.
Free Palestine, Free Congo, Free Sudan.